


The Squad Group Chat

by AkozuHeiwa



Category: Tales of Arcadia (Cartoons)
Genre: F/M, Getting Together, Group chat, M/M, Texting, Wizard Seamus, but it rapidly turns an au, do i know what's going to happen? nope, i hope you didn't expect anything else from me, it's a self indulgent group chat fic because i can, it's not wiz-fic verse but mort exists because i can, kinda lowkey has a plot, oh well, read at your own risk I guess, takes place in 3b pt2, technically, this is dumb but i love it anyway, updates will be hella random, wasn't gonna have a plot, what the hell is formatting, whoops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:20:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23918905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkozuHeiwa/pseuds/AkozuHeiwa
Summary: Toby makes a group chat and chaos ensues.(in other words, the disaster group chat fic no one asked for but i'm posting anyway)
Relationships: Aja Tarron & Krel Tarron, Jim Lake Jr./Claire Nuñez, Seamus Johnson/Krel Tarron, Steve Palchuk/Aja Tarron, Toby Domzalski & Jim Lake Jr. & Claire Nuñez
Comments: 74
Kudos: 219





	1. "But okay who wouldn’t fuck an alien"

**Author's Note:**

> Names (will update as names get changed/added):
> 
> Toby - the florida panhammer  
> Jim - trollhunted  
> Claire - Morgana's a Bitch  
> Steve - Alien Fucker, Football Bi, Aja's Trophy Husband  
> Eli - Peppergay  
> Krel: gay who knows math, Gaylien  
> Aja: Human Fucker  
> Seamus: the other gay who knows math, Space Gay, Gaylien Fucker

_**The Squad** _

**_Toby Domzalski_** _has created the chat **The Squad**. _

**_Toby Domzalski_** _has added **Jim Lake Jr.** , **Claire Nunez** , **Steve Palchuk** , **Eli Pepperjack** , **Aja Tarron** , and **Krel Tarron** to the chat._

**_Jim Lake Jr._** _is online._

**_Claire Nunez_** _is online._

**_Steve Palchuk_** _is online_

**_Eli Pepperjack_** _is online._

**_Toby Domzalksi_** _has changed their name to **the florida panhammer**_.

**Jim Lake Jr.:** is that

is that a double pun

**the florida panhammer:** perhaps

**Jim Lake Jr.:** nice

**_Jim Lake Jr._** _has changed their name to **trollhunted**._

**trollhunted:** because let’s be real

I did little of the actual hunting

**_Claire Nunez_** _has changed their name to **Morgana’s a Bitch**._

**_Steve Palchuk_** _has changed their name to **creepslayer1**_

**_Eli Pepperjack_** _has changed their name to **Peppergay**. _

**_Peppergay_** _has changed **creepslayer1** ’s name to **Alien Fucker**._

**Alien Fucker:** first

rude

second

WE HAVE NOT

**Peppergay:** why are you booing me? I’m right

**the florida panhammer:** lame

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** he’s got you there steve

But okay who wouldn’t fuck an alien

**trollhunted:**??? offended???

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** you would too and you know it

**trollhunted:** valid continue

**_Aja Tarron_** _is online._

**_Krel Tarron_** _is online._

**Aja Tarron:** What is this?

**the florida panhammer:** wanted a group chat

made a group chat

you’re welcome

**_the florida panhammer_** _changed **Aja Tarron** ’s name to **Human Fucker**._

**_the florida panhammer_** _changed **Krel Tarron** ’s name to **the only gay that knows math**._

**Alien Fucker:** this is false

Seamus knows math

**_the florida panhammer_** _changed **the only gay that knows math** ’s name to **gay who knows math**._

**Alien Fucker:** better

yo can I add someone I wanna play ~matchmaker~

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** oh yes pls me too

**_Alien Fucker_** _added **Seamus Johnson** to the chat._

**_Seamus Johnson_** _is online._

**_the florida panhammer_** _changed **Seamus Johnson** ’s name to **the other gay who knows math**._

**the other gay who knows math:** wtf is this

also **@Alien Fucker** square up bitch if anyone gets to fuck an alien its me

**the florida panhammer:** living for this tea

wait steve is it who im thinking

**Alien Fucker:** yup

**the florida panhammer:** ha

**the other gay who knows math:** ok seriously what is this

**Alien Fucker:** domzalski made a gc and I added you because

hang on ill dm you

**the other gay who knows math:** k

_**DM: Space Gay and Football Bi** _

**Football Bi:** I’m sick of you hiding in the closet

**Space Gay:** im?? out?? at school???

**Football Bi:** added you to the group chat so we could matchmake

**Space Gay:**???

**Football Bi:** you and Krel dude

_**The Squad** _

**the other gay who knows math:** STEVEN

**Alien Fucker:** don’t @ me bro im right

**gay who knows math:** wait so why do we have this?

**the other gay who knows math:** wait wait who are you why am I the OTHER

I WILL FIGHT YOU

**gay who knows math:** you already did

and I would’ve won if your dad wasn’t a speglo

**Human Fucker:** KREL LANGUAGE

**the other gay who knows math:** _KREL?_

aadjkfhkaljg

**_the other gay who knows math_** _has gone offline._

**Alien Fucker:** pfffft

**the florida panhammer:** this is better than any romcom omfg

**trollhunted:** fuck he’s worse than I was

**Peppergay:** this is comedy gold

**gay who knows math:** is he okay?

**Alien Fucker:** gay panic I think hang on

_**DM: Space Gay and Football Bi** _

**Football Bi:** you good dude?

**Space Gay:** sflskhfhskkhrga

you added me to a chat with KREL

my big fucking crush KREL

DUDE

**Football Bi:** matchmaking

you have to ~talk to him~

**Space Gay:** fuck you steve

**Football Bi:** you wish

_**The Squad** _

**Alien Fucker:** he good

**gay who knows math:** what is gay panic?

**the florida panhammer:** exactly what it sounds like

**Human Fucker:** oh so Krel in every fight

**gay who knows math:** hey aja

as the humans say

fuck off

**Human Fucker:** 😁

**_the other gay who knows math_** _is online._

**the other gay who knows math:** im??? humans???

**gay who knows math:** yes you are “humans”

_**DM: Space Gay and Football Bi** _

**Space Gay:** Steve

STEVE

is krel a changeling

have I been in love with a changeling

holy shit is his troll form hot

shit I bet he’s even hotter as a troll shit shit

**Football Bi:** dude chill Krel’s not a changeling

**Space Gay:** oh

“humans”?????

**Football Bi:** he’s weird roll with it

_**The Squad** _

**gay who knows math:** by the way seamus how is space camp?

_**DM: Space Gay and Football Bi** _

**Space Gay:** he asked me about space camp!!!

**Football Bi:** omg seamus you are so fucking gone

**Space Gay:** ahdajsdajfshdlahd

_**The Squad** _

**the other gay who knows math:** it’s good

lots of

space

stuff

we were talking about exoplanets today though it’s so cool

there’s a ton that could possibly have life!!!

**Peppergay:** I am losing my shit

**the florida panhammer:** dude me too

**gay who knows math:** exoplanets are cool

i am very fond of exoplanets

_**DM: Aja’s Trophy Husband and Gaylien** _

**Aja’s Trophy Husband:** I aM vErY fOnD oF eXoPlAnEtS

**Gaylien:** shut up steve

_**The Squad** _

**Peppergay:** btw **@gay who knows math @Human Fucker** we’re otw to the meetup point

**Human Fucker:** excellent! thank you again!

**the florida panhammer:** no prob

**Alien Fucker:** meetup?

**Human Fucker:** we’re going to save varvatos

**the other gay who knows math:** varvatos?

**gay who knows math:** our grandfather

**trollhunted:** save???

**gay who knows math:** yes

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** save from…?

**gay who knows math:** long story

**the other gay who knows math:** gotta say I can understand why your granddad would need rescuing

he seemed

**gay who knows math:** yeah…. that sums that up

**Alien Fucker:** WHY DIDN’T I KNOW ABOUT THIS

**Human Fucker:** need to know

**Alien Fucker:** I’m? your boyfriend???

**Human Fucker:** and Toby and Eli are covering for us to Zadra

**Alien Fucker:** betrayed

**the other gay who knows math:** rip steve palchuk he lived an okayish life and no one will remember him

**Alien Fucker:** hey FUCK YOU

**the other gay who knows math:** you wish

**Human Fucker:** I don’t know how much signal we’re going to have on the trip so we’ll text when we get back I guess

**gay who knows math:** or sooner if we have signal

**Human Fucker:** or sooner

**the other gay who knows math:** good luck!

**_Human Fucker_** _has gone offline._

**_gay who knows math_** _has gone offline._

**trollhunted:** should we be,,,, worried?

**the florida panhammer:** uhhhhh

**Peppergay:** yeah probably

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** welp its like 3am here so im going to bed

**trollhunted:** rip same

**the florida panhammer:** night yall

**trollhunted:** IN MY HOUSE

RUDE

**Alien Fucker:** YALL

HA

**the other gay who knows math:** you laugh like you don’t say yall to me all the fuckin time

**Alien Fucker:** BETRAYAL

**the other gay who knows math:** _you know what you did_

**trollhunted:** you guys have fun with that

**_trollhunted_** _has gone offline._

**_Morgana’s a Bitch_** _has gone offline._

**Peppergay:** alright im hitting the sack someone come wake me if something interesting happens

**Alien Fucker:** sounds good

**_Peppergay_** _has gone offline._

**the florida panhammer:** yep I’m wiped. see yall

**Alien Fucker:** the southern is spreading

but yeah coach is yelling at me to sleep so

yeet ig

**_the florida panhammer_** _has gone offline._

**_Alien Fucker_** _has gone offline._

**_gay who knows math_** _is online._

**gay who knows math:** 30 something hour trip and stuart WONT CHANGE THE SONG

IM DYING

Aja fell asleeeeeep

guuyyyysss

**the other gay who knows math:** they also all fell asleep cause it’s like 3am here

**gay who knows math:** shouldn’t you?? also???

**the other gay who knows math:** bold of you to assume I have ever once gotten enough sleep

**gay who knows math:** I mean same

**the other gay who knows math:** where are you guys going anyway?

**gay who knows math:** the moon

KLEB

um

**the other gay who knows math:** 😂 good one

**gay who knows math:** right yeah

what are you up to then

**the other gay who knows math:** in the interest of total honesty

im watching b99 again

**gay who knows math:** b99?

**the other gay who knows math:** you’ve never seen it????

this is a tragedy

I dont think we can be friends anymore

**gay who knows math:** I didn’t know we were friends to begin with

I’ve never had a friend before

**the other gay who knows math:** okay I take it back

you cant say things like that and expect me NOT to be your friend dude

but im making you watch b99 when I get back from camp

**gay who knows math:** that sounds fun

when do you get back?

**the other gay who knows math:** uh not this Saturday but the next

**gay who knows math:** maybe we can watch this b99 then

**the other gay who knows math:** it’s a date!

_**DM: Space Gay and Football Bi** _

**Space Gay:** steve

steve I know you’re asleep but I just fucking saif it’s a date

steve fuck what do I do

STEVE

**football bi:** its 6 in the fuxkin morning

WAIT

DUDE

**Space Gay:** im PANICKINF

HE HASN’T REPSONDED

what do I do do I tru to save face

OH SIHT HES TYPOJN

_**The Squad** _

**gay who knows math:** sounds good 😊

_**DM: Space Gay and Football Bi** _

**Space Gay:** he said! sounds good! with a smiley face!

**Football Bi:** great im going back to bed

_**DM: Krel Tarron and Seamus Johnson** _

**Krel Tarron:** wait, is it a date or is it a “group thing”?

is it like the staja

**Seamus Johnson:** only if you want it to be

I want it to be

I mean

**Krel Tarron:** I want it to be

too

I mean

it will be nice

it’s a date

**Seamus Johnson:** awesome! looking forward to it

_**DM: Space Gay and Football Bi** _

**Space Gay:** [image]

STEVE

**Football Bi:** congrats you have a date I’m going back to sleep

**Space Gay:** sgdlaysfhafhllah


	2. "HOLY FUCK YOU’RE ALIENS"

_**The Squad** _

**the florida panhammer:** dost mine eyes deceive me this fine morning

the disaster gays finally got together???

that was

impressively fast

**the other gay who knows math:** aadkjskdsa

**Alien Fucker:** yeah seamus woke me up last night panicking

**the other gay who knows math:** stfu

**Alien Fucker:** make me

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** wait

so is it a date-date or is it just hanging out?

**the other gay who knows math:** why? are you? interrogating me???

**Alien Fucker:** it’s a date-date

**Peppergay:** so

basically

**_Peppergay_ ** _changed **the other gay who knows math** ’s name to **Gaylien Fucker**. _

**Alien Fucker:** PFFFT

**the florida panhammer:** no printer just fax

**Gaylien Fucker:** I feel like this is an inside joke im not in on

**Alien Fucker:** it entirely is

**trollhunted:** dw Claire and I also aren’t in on it

**the florida panhammer:** speaking of, where are aja and krel

**gay who knows math:** heading home now

never let me go on a rescue mission again I almost died like five times

**Gaylien Fucker:** _what_

**gay who knows math:** steve im going to kill you

**Alien Fucker:** I didn’t do it!

it was eli!

**gay who knows math:** then I’ll kill eli

varvatos can have your thumbs after all

**Peppergay:** varvatos can have my _whats_

**Human Fucker:** wait why did Seamus’s name change

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** scroll up

**Human Fucker:** excuse me while I murder my brother for not telling me he had a date

**gay who knows math:** klebfg;s jfkglf’

**Alien Fucker:** press f to pay respects

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** f

**trollhunted:** f

**Peppergay:** f

**the florida panhammer:** f

**Gaylien Fucker:** f

**Human Fucker:** he deserved it

**Gaylien Fucker:** yo I kinda need my boyfriend alive for our date

**gay who knows math:** lfaslahka;jksdf

_BOYFRIEND?_

**Gaylien Fucker:** shit adazdjkfalk I meant

**gay who knows math:** no take backs we’re boyfriends now

**Gaylien Fucker:** akafkalflfa ok no take backs

**the florida panhammer:** im still in awe that yall managed to get together while we slept

while on different fuckin planets

**gay who knows math:** moon’s not a planet

**the florida panhammer:** uh huh fuck you too krel

**Alien Fucker:** that’s seamus’s job

**Gaylien Fucker:** adjksz stfu steven

**Alien Fucker:** make me bitch

**Gaylien Fucker:** WATHC ME

wait actually back up

_you weren’t kidding about the moon?_

**gay who knows math:** uh

**Gaylien Fucker:** _what were you doing on the MOON_

**gay who knows math:** rescuing varvatos we told you

**Gaylien Fucker:** from the MOON?

**gay who knows math:** uhhhh

**Human Fucker:** toby I hope you don’t like your thumbs they’re ours now

**the florida panhammer:** adkfljajsaj what does that MEAN

**Human Fucker:** theyre ours

but @ **Gaylien Fucker** and also @ **trollhunted** and @ **Morgana’s a Bitch** you can’t tell ANYONE

**trollhunted:** never

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** Jim and I are good at secrets

**Gaylien Fucker:** same

**Alien Fucker:** bitch please you can’t keep a secret to save your life

**Gaylien Fucker:** yeah uh youd be surprised

**Human Fucker:** okay

well

Krel and I are from a planet called Akiridion-5. We had to flee when General Morando attacked and injured our parents. And now we’re here.

**Gaylien Fucker:** first, I’m so sorry about your parents

**Alien Fucker:** wait for it

**Gaylien:** second

HOLY FUCK YOU’RE ALIENS

IM DATING AN ALIEN

THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

**gay who knows math:** we prefer just Akiridions

**Gaylien Fucker:** absolutely

this is fucking amazing okay

I’ve always wanted a hot space boyfriend and i? have one?

**gay who knows math:** im actually a bit cold right now but ok

**Gaylien Fucker:** omfg this explaisn so much

not temperature like

you’re physically attractive

I mean I dunno what youre akiridion form looks like but im willing to place bets and you know what I’m down for whatever

**Alien Fucker:** seamus do us all a favour and shut up now

**Gaylien Fucker:** mmhmm good plan

**Human Fucker:** krel is currently hiding his face with all four hands so yes good plan

**Gaylien Fucker:** _four hands aslahhfafafjahdf_

**the florida panhammer:** they also don’t technically need oxygen 😏

**Gaylien Fucker:** alhfhdfsahfa

**Alien Fucker:** _TOBY_

_IN MY GOOD CHRISTIAN GROUP CHAT_

**Human Fucker:** sorry why is that relevant?

**trollhunted:** OKAY WE’RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT

**Gaylien Fucker:** okay so our names also make sense now

**Peppergay:** did you save vex

**gay who knows math:** yes but I almost got KIDNAPPED

**Human Fucker:** sorry! we came as fast as we could!

**Gaylien Fucker:** wait okay so why did your granddad need rescuring from the moon

**Human Fucker:** he was captured by bounty hunters and going to be sent to be executed

**gay who knows math:** the bounty hunters are also after us because apparently we’re worth 9 billion crestons so

**Peppergay:** dare I ask how that stands up to dollars

**Human Fucker:** I dunno but 9 billion crestons is a lot

**Peppergay:** right right so if I wanted to get rich really fast

**Human Fucker:** I can and will kick your scrawny human ass

**Alien Fucker:** she can kick my ass and I can kick your ass so she can definitely kick your ass

**gay who knows math:** aja can kick everyones ass in this chat

**Peppergay:** hey question

unrelated to aja kicking our collective asses

aren’t trolls nocturnal why did jim go to bed at 3am

**trollhunted:** trolls are nocturnal

I have been warding off some crazy armour guy for days now and im tired ok

gimme a break

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** jims not used to being nocturnal yet so hes using the armour guy as an excuse to sleep at night\

**trollhunted:** CALLED OUT

**the florida panhammer:** id say rip but you know what call jim out im here for it

**trollhunted:** my own best friend

**Gaylien Fucker:** hey hey hey back up

Why do you have a huge ass bounty on your heads?

**Alien Fucker:** their parents are the king and queen

**Gaylien Fucker:** _what_

**gay who knows math:** uh surprise?

**Alien Fucker:** congrats seamus youre dating the king-in-waiting

**Gaylien Fucker:** im so shook rn

**Alien Fucker:** ok are we still coming over for pool day

**Human Fucker:** yeah, we’re almost home

**the florida panhammer:** woo!! pool day!!

**Peppergay:** alright!

**gay who knows math:** I still do not understand what is so great about this “pool”

**Alien Fucker:** you swim in it dude

**gay who knows math:** what is _swim_?

**the florida panhammer:** you know what maybe you don’t swim

last thing we want is for the king-in-waiting to fuckin drown

**Alien Fucker:** yeah that would be krels luck

**gay who knows math:** hey

**Human Fucker:** brb landing and going to face Zadra’s rage

**Gaylien Fucker:** and who’s Zadra?

**Alien Fucker:** another bodyguard slash babysitter slash can and will kill us all

**Gaylien Fucker:** can everyone in the Tarron family kill us all

**the florida panhammer:** krel cant

**Alien Fucker:** bet he could kill seamus just by taking off his shirt

**Gaylien Fucker:** jakdjjsafa;f stfu steve

**the florida panhammer:** now we have to have a pool day because I would kill to see that

**Alien Fucker:** when did you say you get back from camp

**Gaylien Fucker:** next Saturday

**Alien Fucker:** after your date we’re having a pool day

if the tarrons are still on earth

**Gaylien Fucker:** do you think theyd let me come with them to their planet

ill tell mom it’s study abroad

SPACE

**Peppergay:** oh dude me too

**trollhunted:** if we’ve set up somewhere we’ll see if we can gyre back for a pool party

**Gaylien Fucker:** it’s like everyone wants to see me suffer

**the florida panhammer:** making fun of you is the most fun ive had in weeks

**Gaylien Fucker:** fuck you too domzalski

**the florida panhammer:** consider it payback for the time you hit me with your car

**Gaylien Fucker:** YOU RAN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET

**the florida panhammer:** there were evil fire cats behind me!

**Gaylien Fucker:** okay that explains why you left my car on FIRE

**Alien Fucker:** I remember that that was hilarious

**the florida panhammer:** you told steve??

**Gaylien Fucker:** I PANICKED

**Alien Fucker:** “steve oh my god I hit domzalski this morning what if I killed him”

and when I asked how hurt you were he goes “idk he got up and ran away!”

he was very relieved when you showed up to school

**Gaylien Fucker:** STFU STEVE

**the florida panhammer:** aw you do care

**Peppergay:** #exposed

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** toby I want to take this time to thank you for making this chat

I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks

**trollhunted:** YOU NEVER TOLD US YOU GOT HIT BY A CAR BITCH

**the florida panhammer:** FIGHT ME

**trollhunted:** I WILL

**gay who knows math:** you hit toby with your car? no wonder people have to take classes

**Gaylien Fucker:** now im never gonna live it down

**the florida panhammer:** NEVER

**Human Fucker:** unfortunately we have to cut this humorous exchange short

**the florida panhammer:** wait you guys good?

**Human Fucker:** not in the slightest

**gay who knows math:** we just found out morando is coming to earth

soon

**Gaylien Fucker:** wait that’s the guy who led the coup

**gay who knows math:** precisely

**Human Fucker:** the rebellion will try to stop him, but we must be prepared for a fight

Toby you and your trollhunters are the only warriors we know

**the florida panhammer:** already digging out my armour sis

**trollhunted:** we’ll find a gyre station and be ready to come back at a moment’s notice

**Alien Fucker:** Eli and I can help too… although I might need a better weapon than a bat

**Gaylien Fucker:** count me in

also I know some people who can lend a hand

I know all your secrets, only fair you know mine

**Alien Fucker:** since when do you have a secret

**Gaylien Fucker:** im a wizard

**Alien Fucker:** _what_.

**the florida panhammer** : dude like merlin!??

**Gaylien:** uh not nearly as powerful as merlin was but yes like merlin

**trollhunted:** is, merlin’s still alive

**the florida panhammer:** unfortunately

**Gaylien Fucker:** we don’t have time to unpack all that but-

anyway, my mom is also a wizard and we have some wizard friends who can help

but I’ll have to fill them in

**Human Fucker:** we need all the help we can get

**Gaylien Fucker:** alright who wants to come pick me up from space camp cause I know mom won’t unless I explain and I want to explain in person

**Alien Fucker:** I’ll come

krel meet me out front at yours in 30 min you’re coming with

**gay who knows math:** okay???

**Gaylien Fucker:** okay text me when you’re 10 min out

**Alien Fucker:** can do


	3. "NO IM GAY"

**_DM: Space Wiz and Dorkxie_ **

**Space Wiz:** we’ve got a problem

**Dorkxie:** like a you’re still stupid in love with the new kid problem or an end of the world problem?

**Space Wiz:** the latter

forgot to tell you Krel and I are dating now

**Dorkxie:** omg congrats!

wait so there’s an end of the world problem

**Space Wiz:** ill explain more when I get back to arcadia but tldr aliens are real and we’re about to be invaded

**Dorkxie:** WHAT

SEAMUS COME BACK

YOU CAN’T JUST DROP THAT AND GHOST ME

SEAMUS

**Space Wiz:** I said id explain more later! I gotta pack

here

[contact]

krel can explain things to you

**Dorkxie:** we just got through an apocalyyyyypse

**Space Wiz:** ikr

**_DM: Krel Tarron and Seamus Johnson_ **

**Seamus Johnson:** I gave one of my wizard friends your number so don’t be surprised when he texts you

**Krel Tarron:**?? ok

**Seamus Johnson:** hes cool. like a really annoying cousin

**Krel Tarron:** ok

**_Seamus Johnson_ ** _has changed their name to **Wizard Boyfriend**._

**_Seamus Johnson_ ** _has changed **Krel Tarron** ’s name to **Space Boyfriend**_ **.**

**Wizard Boyfriend:** better

**Space Boyfriend:** sajda;dlkla;

**_DM: Douxie Galder-Penn and Krel Tarron_ **

**Douxie Galder-Penn:** uh hello

Seamus told me to text you

aliens? end of the world? I am very confused?

**Krel Tarron:** you must be the really annoying cousin

**Douxie Galder-Penn:** I’m the cool one, Seamus is the really annoying cousin\\\

**Krel Tarron:** sounds right

now about the end of the world

an extra-terrestrial named General Morando is coming to Earth to find myself and my sister and our parents so he can kill us

he took over our home and I expect he’ll bring ruin to arcadia too

**Douxie Galder-Penn:** shit I’m sorry about your home

wait wait you’re an alien?

omg that’s hilarious

always knew if aliens were real seamus would end up with one

it’s very nice to meet you

**Krel Tarron:** do you always talk this much

**Douxie Galder-Penn:** yes

**Krel Tarron:** noted

seamus says youre also a wizard so…

be ready for a fight I guess

**Douxie Galder-Penn:** can do

also our names are boring

**_Douxie Galder-Penn_ ** _has changed their name to **the cooler cousin**._

**_the cooler cousin_ ** _has changed **Krel Tarron** ’s name to **adopted penn #4**_ **.**

**adopted penn #4:**??????

**the cooler cousin:** oh my dad/uncle adopts all the kids he comes across so you’re next

in order me, seamus, my boyfriend alex, and now you

probably

one sec

okay he said “I don’t adopt every kid I come across”

but he followed it rapidly with “Why, does he need a place to stay? Tell him he’s welcome here.”

so suffice to say the answer is yes

**adopted penn #4:** humans are strange

**the cooler cousin:** pretty sure it’s just uncle mort

but yeah he’s a bit weird

**_DM: Space Boyfriend and Wizard Boyfriend_ **

**Space Boyfriend:** [image]

your cousin is strange

**Wizard Boyfriend:** and a liar I’m the cooler one

**Space Boyfriend:** should he go in the group chat

**Wizard Boyfriend:** mmm probably I’ll ask

**_The Squad_ **

**Gaylien Fucker:** can I add one of my wizard friends to this? I promise he’s good

**gay who knows math:** he seems nice

**the florida panhammer:** eh sure why not

**_Gaylien Fucker_ ** _has added **Douxie Galder-Penn** to the chat._

**_Gaylien Fucker_ ** _has changed **Douxie Galder-Penn** ’s name to **Dorkxie**._

**_Dorkxie_ ** _has changed their name to **Penndragon**_ **.**

**Penndragon:** haha fuck you too seamus

also that’s a wonderful name who did that

**Peppergay:** that was me

**Penndragon:** then I applaud you

**the florida panhammer:** a king Arthur fan I see

**Penndragon:** my uncles all into Arthurian stuff so I got into it

**trollhunted:** merlins a dick

**the florida panhammer:** ^^^

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** just read my user

**Penndragon:** I think my uncle would agree

anyway hi I’m Douxie

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** from battle of the bands right? we’ve met, it’s Claire!

**Penndragon:** ah the fair lady Claire!

**the florida panhammer:** ten bucks says jims giving his phone murder eyes

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** he is…

**Penndragon:** why??

**the florida panhammer:** are you genuinely unaware the entire time you’ve known Claire you’ve been flirting with her

**Penndragon:** what!?

**Gaylien Fucker:** sjdflkasfljkdla YOU DUMBASS

**Penndragon:** HOW AM I FLIRTING

**trollhunted:** so you _haven’t_ been flirting with Claire?

**Penndragon:** NO IM GAY

**Gaylien Fucker:** IM DYING ASDJKDAASDFS

**Penndragon:** IM SO SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN TO FLIRT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIED

**the florida panhammer:** “girlfried”

**Penndragon:** I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST MANNERS

**Gaylien Fucker:** sometimes I swear mort’s from the middle ages just based on his definition of ‘manners’

**gay who knows math:** we’re on the way btw

steve is driving so he can’t text

which I didn’t know until he yelled “NO WE’D DIE” when I told him to text you

**Penndragon:** so fill me in

I know Seamus and I met Krel. I’m guessing @ **trollhunted** is Jim, @ **Morgana’s a Bitch** is Claire, and @ **the florida panhammer** is Toby

are steve and krel brothers? because that’s the vibe im getting

**gay who knows math:** kjsakljflaf;a now steve wants to know why im laughing so hard

**Human Fucker:** Krel’s _my_ brother, steve is my boyfriend

**Penndragon:** eh so kinda brothers ok

wait and you are

**Gaylien Fucker:** that’s Aja

eli pepperjack is also in this chat @ **Peppergay**

**Penndragon:** ah hello

**the florida panhammer:** legit thought eli and steve were dating for a solid few weeks before the staja thing happened

**Peppergay:** sjksdfajdfclkafs

**gay who knows math:** steve just turned bright red and yelled “NO” really loud and almost crashed us

**Human Fucker:** wait were they?? were you?

**Peppergay:** NO

**Human Fucker:** …did you want to be?

**the florida panhammer:** mmkay feel like this is a convo for you guys to have in person

**Human Fucker:** you are probably correct

**gay who knows math:** back to the problem at hand

I know steve only has a bat so we’re giving him a serrator, but is anyone else weaponless?

**Peppergay:** I have ninja stars!

**Human Fucker:** against our better judgement we’re giving you a serrator too

**Peppergay:** thanks but im more offended that it’s “against your better judgement”

**Human Fucker:** good

**Penndragon:** Seamus and I can both make magical weapons

although seamus is better at it than me

**Gaylien Fucker:** your weapon is literally a stcik

**Penndragon:** well yours is a stick with a pointy sharp bit!

**Gaylien Fucker:** that’s called a spear and it’s a real weapon dumbass

**Penndragon:** a battle staff is a real weapon

dumbass

**the florida panhammer:** I think you’re going to fit right in doux

**Penndragon:** thank you toby

**Alien Fucker:** [video]

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** STEVE YOU’RE DRIVING

**Alien Fucker:** it’s a red light!

**gay who knows math:** steve im going to _m u r d er y o u_

**Gaylien Fucker:** omg

**Peppergay:** this is the most wholesome thing I’ve heard all day

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** wait what is it it’s still downloading for me

**Peppergay:** it’s krel reading the chat aloud and he’s doing voices for all of us

**gay who knows math:** DON’T DOWNLOAD IT DELETE IT

**Gaylien Fucker:** somehow despite never having met him irl you’ve got douxie’s voice spot on

**Penndragon:** I do not sound like that

right?

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** you kinda do

**gay who knows math:** @ **Gaylien Fucker** be a good boyfriend and help me murder steve when we get there

**Gaylien Fucker:** sorry krel but this recording is a gift to humanity

**gay who knows math:** the betrayal

anyway steve said to tell you we’re about ten minutes out

**Gaylien Fucker:** awesome see you soon

**the florida panhammer:** @ **Alien Fucker** record it

**Human Fucker:** ten crestons krel started reading that aloud and then broke off to say “do not”

**gay who knows math:** hey aja stfu

**Penndragon:** no no please record it

**gay who knows math:** I’m going to murder steve and if seamus still wants to be my boyfriend he’ll help me hide the body

**Gaylien Fucker:** damn well sorry steve

I like my boyfriend more than I like you

**gay who knows math:** he said “fuck you seamus”

**the florida panhammer:** that’s your job krel

**gay who knows math:** yeah steve said that too

you guys have very limited jokes don’t you

**trollhunted:** yeah essentially

**the florida panhammer:** laugh at our jokes theyre funny

**gay who knows math:** maybe the first time

I know youre more creative han that

**the florida panhammer:** the sad truth is that I am not please laugh at my jokes

**trollhunted:** it’s ok tobes we love you anyway

**the florida panhammer:** 😘💕

**trollhunted:** 😍❤️

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** gay

**trollhunted:** maybe so

**Peppergay:** aren’t we all

**Morgana’s a Bitch:** youre right no one in this group chat is cishet im aware

**Penndragon:** ive found my people

**Gaylien Fucker:** Douxie having more than three friends is a scary concept

**Penndragon:** you??? are also?? my friend?

**Gaylien Fucker:** no im the cool cousin so we legally cant be friends

**Penndragon:** and I have more than three friends

**Gaylien Fucker:** yeah NOW

**gay who knows math:** its okay I also didn’t have any friends until recently

**Penndragon:** I like your boyfriend better than you seamus

**Gaylien Fucker:** hm why do I gt the feling you and krel as friends is going to end in utter disaster

**Penndragon:** that just tells me we’re going to be great friends

**the florida panhammer:** hm concern

whatever chaos ensues I’m blaming seamus entirely

**Gaylien Fucker:** that’s low

**the florida panhammer:** it’s deserved

**Gaylien Fucker:** i should just leave this freakin chat

**trollhunted:** oh its far too late youre stuck now

**the florida panhammer:** oh yeah theres no escape

**Gaylien Fucker:** you know what krel I will absolutely help you murder steve purely cause he dragged me into this

**gay who knows math:** excellent I knew there was a reason I liked you

be there in five hope you’re ready

**Gaylien Fucker:** **😘**

**gay who knows math:** **🥰**

**Peppergay:** oh god theyre sickening

**Gaylien Fucker:** you should see Douxie and his bf they can be downright nauseating

**Penndragon:** ur just jealous because we have a better ship name than you

**Gaylien Fucker:** what the fuck does that MEAN

**Penndragon:** it means alouxie is way better than _kreamus_

**the florida panhammer:** KREAMUS AWJKLFDJSkfKADFFG

**trollhunted:** yeah okay douxies right man that’s terrible

**Gaylien Fucker:** I hate you ALL

**Penndragon:** if youre gonna call me the annoying cousin im gonna ACT IT

**Gaylien Fucker:** fuck you too dorkxie

**Penndragon:** youd think youd have a better jab than a nickname you’ve used since elementary school-

**gay who knows math:** you. I like you

**Human Fucker:** oh I do not like the sound of that

**the florida panhammer:** seamus what have you done

**Gaylien Fucker:** I don’t know but I shudder to think what someone with krels smarts and tech skill and someone with douxies knack for chaos and pure magical power can do together

**_DM: the cooler cousin and adopted penn #4_ **

**the cooler cousin:** lets prank them

**adopted penn #4:** oh absolutely


End file.
